I’ve been going through what some might call an identity crisis over the past several years.  I wanted to share this bit of insight about me because I really feel like God has done such a work in my heart and with my perspective this past week.

I guess it all started back when I had my first child, Kalliope.  Keep in my that I hadn’t found God yet, so bear with me as I fill you in with little back story.  Anyway…as most moms know, everything changes with your first baby.  I felt like I had to completely change who I was, how I dressed, everything!  I went through a phase where I wanted to simplify everything in my life down to the way I dressed and how I wore my hair.  I stopped wearing make-up and really caring about how I looked.  I was always in jeans and a tee-shirt with my hair up in a pony tail.  There isn’t anything wrong with that look, but it wasn’t me.  I used to have fun with my hair and style.  I was feeling like the real me was being lost, which is funny since who I am is not defined by how I dress or how I wear my hair.

Let’s see, about 5 years later I met a group of moms all with autistic kids and we get together for breakfast every Friday.  There I met Jennifer and she helped me see that I have to take time for myself and take care of myself.  I started care about how I looked and started feeling better about myself.

About a year later, I found God.  It was an amazing point in my life where I’ve never felt so loved and fearless and yet confused and unsatisfied with who I was.  I started studying the Bible and hanging around more Christians.  The more I did, the more I felt like I was not what God intended a Christian to be like.  I don’t run around hugging everyone, I’m more of a realist than an optimist, and I’m definitely not meek and submissive.  I felt like something was wrong with me.  I guess I expected some sort of overnight change in who I was and to be fill with joy, peace, patience, kindness, and self-control all the time.

So just a few months after being baptized, I felt a calling to homeschool Kalliope.  We started and I tried to get involved is some groups.  Again, I didn’t feel comfortable there.  I tried to dress the part and even act the part, but wasn’t feeling the part of nice, submissive Christian. 

The church that we were saved and baptized at was wonderful, but I never felt like I completely fit in.  I know it was just my perspective.  I mean outwardly I tried to dress the part of the nice Christian and when I was there on Sundays, I was pleasant and friendly to everyone.  So there we were for 2 years.  Towards the end, the main reason we left was to find some place a little more suitable for Zane since they were planning on restructuring the special needs ministry there.  We also wanted to find a church a little closer to home so we could get plugged in with volunteering.  We visited a couple of different churches and even looked online.  We stumbled across Elevation Church when I googled churches near Indian Trail.  I went to the website and watched a few sermons.  We loved Pastor Furtick right from the start.  So I went one weekend while Jason and Kalliope were out of town and I loved it!  I decided to audition when they were holding worship team auditions and made it. Being around Christians who dressed how they wanted really struck a chord with me, but that is such a small part.

At church this past Sunday, I was singing with 2 other women who are a couple of the nicest people I know and I just felt like there was something wrong with me again.  I jokingly told them that I hope some of their niceness rubs off on me!

Tuesday I had bible study with 2 very close friends.  Somehow the subject of God loving us the way we are came around.  I confessed to them how I felt about myself and was surprised that one of my friends had felt the same way in the beginning of her walk with God.  They assured me that my personality is fine the way it is and I don’t have to be oozing niceness to still be a good Christian woman, and that my gifts were in other areas.  That was such a relief to hear that!

Wednesday I met up with several other homeschooling moms from Elevation.  Again God showed me that you can be fun, loud, a little sarcastic, and still be a good, loving, compassionate Christian woman.

To sum it up, I’m really learning to accept and love myself exactly the way I am.  Does that mean I’m perfect?  Of course!  Absolutely not, but I’m not going to try to be someone I’m not. 

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